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Gems I learned about Self-Confidence from Online Dating.

Ladies, how many times have you jumped on a dating app and gone through the name, age, upload at least three photos, and write a bio, rigamarole? Only to leave disappointed after a few weeks (or days) of matching with individuals who could stand to be more interesting after that right swipe.

Let me tell you... it is ghetto out here in these 21st-century dating streets.

And it gets more ratchet with each cellphone update or new technology product. But here's the kicker…we go back! Hoping that short online dating sabbatical changed the quality of the people we match. Now, quick disclaimer, there are wonderful people on dating apps. There's someone for everyone. I've heard countless success stories that keep me hopeful that online dating is a valuable player in this dating world.

So why are we women having such a tough time finding a fulfilling relationship from online dating?

Here is a hint: we are downplaying who we are and how that translates into our expectations about dating.

We don't discuss ourselves and our accolades daily because it makes us seem full of ourselves and overly confident. And that's a social more that's frowned upon in most circles and with any gender. But being the rebel, I will be the first to say..." I am She who is overly confident." I did not do all this soul searching, inner healing, getting to know myself better, seeing myself as God sees me, and aligning and embracing His will and desires for my life to punk out now. ALL of Dani is showing up when it is time to dive into dating for real.

Listen, the Brotha’s are out here killing the scene and standing firm on who they are (the ones who have done that inner work, of course)! They are confident and clear about what is important to them, the type of relationship they seek, who they are looking for, and why. And they are not settling. It's the audacity for me…and I love it!

As women, we tend to downplay our greatness not to seem too ambitious so that we do not scare off potential prospects. However, Sisters, we must continuously operate in our true selves. Yes, our single season may be extended a little, but not settling will be worth the wait. This sentiment is shared across the board as I browsed and read the bios of the men on these apps. We can be coy, confident, and clear all at the same time in every situation.

So here are a few self-confidence takeaways I gathered for you from online dating to help your experience be more fulfilling:

  1. Revisted your wins often. How often do you take a trip down memory lane to bask in the glory of your favorite accomplishments? Men do it ALL the time. They brag about their all-star athlete status from 40yrs ago, just like it was yesterday. You noticed the same pattern as I have. A win is a win, regardless of how long ago it was. It is still yours to keep and to celebrate whenever you choose. Just remember to create new memories of new wins.

  2. You are terrific, and everyone should know. Hey, I have a secret for you…lean in, Sis. You are a Big Deal. That's it, and that's all. If you haven't accepted that badge of being your #1 Fan, I need you to do that now. One of our most daunting tasks as adults is answering the question: "Who are you?". These three words are filled with so much depth it feels like it is impossible to answer, let alone answer correctly. Let me encourage you to go back and dig for that lesson you have learned about yourself during your single season. What stood out? What has changed about you and why? Your WHY and WHAT are paramount to answering that infamous question. Let's break down that why and what real fast. Your "why" was the catalyst for the change within you. Your "what" is what you are currently doing to honor that change and hard work. Now, reach back and pull forward those non-negotiables attributes. You will not accept in any relationship. Trust me, all of it will come full circle and give you such a clear-cut self-awareness of who you are now you'll have to start re-introducing yourself to everyone. So let me be the first to ask you again, "Who are you?" Girl, Talk that TALK, tell me why you are great! You are in good company.

  3. Give grace without betraying yourself. Question: How often have you said yes to something or someone because you felt your no would be too harsh? Ladies, the key to establishing healthy boundaries is to remember that what you allow now will be the status quo later. You create the environment, mentally and physically, on what you allow to transpire. You set the standard on what your yes or no encompasses. Giving grace without betraying yourself means letting go of those things and situations that do not honor you, your time, energy, and purpose. You dictate what the measurements of a full, half-full, and empty cup look like for your life. As women, we tend to be habitual grace line-boundary steppers and always get the short end of the stick. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. This year, I am ensuring I give myself the same grace I give others. I'm being gentle with myself to recognize when I need to enforce boundaries with kindness firmly. I'm setting a pattern of behavior that uplifts myself and others by articulating what busy looks like to me.

  4. Online dating can be a hit or miss sometimes. It can be tempting to compromise those qualities and attributes that make us beautiful and our expectations of a successful and mutually supportive relationship for the sake of love. But trust me, as long as you are true to yourself; you will always be a hit in every situation.

Be well, Sisters, and let me know which color I need to wear to the wedding.

Make sure to grab your FREE copy of my Mindfulness and Self-Care Guide: Can I be Me?by clicking here now.

About the Author

Dani Parks is a freelance writer, published author, life coach and speaker who enjoys advocating for Mental Health Awareness & Wellness.

Article published in Geaux Queen Magazine Issue #5

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Follow Me on Instagram: IG @iam_daniparks

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